A fun way that I freak out my friends is when I call them on the phone and ask if they want to hang out. I purposely forget to mention that I juggle for a hobby and somehow I utter the phrase “If you come over, I’ll let you have a go at my balls.” As if that’s my bargaining chip.

Ever need a quick solution to a problem that could result in a fight? Just yell “My man parts are on FIREEEEE!”  Then start running away screaming. Wouldn’t you rather seriously embarrass  yourself in front of a lot of people than get hurt? Yeah…. you’re right. I guess you’re on your own on that one.

My friend challenged me to a contest the other day. He told me to try and say as many dirty things possible in only 3 minutes. As i started, he would make a tally mark on his computer for every dirty thing that crawled out of my lips. You know you have the mind of a full-blown pervert when your friend is making so many tally marks in so little time that his computer actually temporarily shuts down. Some call it a punishment, I call it a gift.

DON’T tell more than about 2 girls that you like them.

DON’T date more than 1 girl at a time (that should be pretty obvious.)

DON’T even flirt with your bros’ ex- girl friends. (My uncle and I are bros, no matter how much he denies it. He’s also quarter jew so I call him my bro-stein. So I don’t flirt with his ex and he doesn’t flirt with mine. Simple.)

DO care about the girl but not too much or else you will seem clingy. If you care too less then you seem like a jerk. Find a happy medium. (Is there a thing as an unhappy medium?)

DO have fun but not too much fun. (Who knew there could be such a thing as too much fun?!?!)

18. In this love tip I will include a few mini-love tips that may be helpful:

Don’t use pick-up lines. I know in one of my earlier tips i suggested using calmer pick-up lines but after much thought I have decided that you are better off without them!

When telling jokes to a girl you like, stray away from using too many of one type of joke. I know those knock-knock jokes and Chuck Norris Jokes are HILARIOUS but use them sparingly!!!

Never ever tell “yo’ mama so fat” jokes to a girl you like. Especially if her mom is fat! Then again if you started saying ” yo’ mama so beautiful” jokes, well that might just get a little weird.

On the Life Alert  commercial, I noticed that they would put up subtitles for the words the elderly lady was saying at the end of the commercial. How come they put the words up at the same speed as she’s saying them? It took soooo long to read the ending of that friggin commercial!!! “All……………senior……….citizens………….should…………have…………life………..alert………..!!!” Is this lady like about to die or something? Her talking net speed must be, 2 words per minute?

I’ve heard the expression “she’s stolen my heart,” but i don’t quite get it.  If that girl stole your heart then she is a thief!! Plus- shouldn’t that expression mean that she killed you? I don’t think you would be doing much of anything without a heart, much less love anybody!

I’ve also heard the expression “bitten by the love bug”, hmmm. I am really scared about it! What if I’m sleeping and it crawls up on me and bites me?? Is its venom deadly? I’ve heard it causes you to go delusional! I thought they lived in South America, but  I heard ‘ol Jimmy at school was acting all loopy and dancing with this one girl. Maybe It’s just  because he’s an alcoholic!! Stranger things have happened…

17. Here’s a pretty fun tip but it requires much strategy, skill, bravery, and most importantly: a plane ticket!!! When you’re seated on the plane, just wait for the person who has the seat next to you to sit down. Hopefully it’s a pretty girl! This is the dialogue you should say as follows,”(you:) I’m so nervous…”   “(pretty girl:)Is this your first time flying??”      ” (you:)Yes I’m afraid it is”    “(pretty girl:) oh…”     Then you WAIT!!! Just wait until there’s some turbulence, even if it’s just the SLIGHTEST amount. When the turbulence occurs, you “accidentally” grab the arm rest which coincidentally has the pretty girl’s hand on it. SUCCESS! Also, she can’t get mad because she thinks this is your first time flying and your just paranoid of the turbulence! So much work just to hold the girl’s hand? No way! We use more effort trying to invent new ways to put shapes and colors on Fruit Roll-ups!!!

16. When Halloween time comes around and hopefully you have a girl friend  by then (if not then you seriously need to be reading my blog more), take her to as many haunted houses as possible!!!!! Think of this: A guy with a chainsaw jumps out and scares the ever living daylights out of your girl friend! She may jump back and hide her head in your shoulder!! She may hold your hand tighter! Though there is one downfall to the whole plan–HOPEFULLY your girl friend is not the violent type and if she is, I feel so sorry for you or the dude with the chainsaw!!!!!!! Here’s what could happen if she’s the violent type: Your girl could jump back with her hands in the air and hit you in the face! Oh no!!! OORRR she could punch the chainsaw-holding guy in the face! The man who just wanted to make some extra money to support his family, JUST GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE!  

Afterthought: There seems to be a downfall to all of my love tips, but doesn’t love itself have downfalls?!?!

15. When texting several girls at once, BE CAREFUL!!! You might accidentally send something like “You’re so hot” to Mary when you actually meant to send that to Sarah. Maybe Mary is your sister and you just sent her a text saying she’s hot. Not good at all, and I bet a lot of you guys who text a LOT of women are gonna blow off this tip. Whoever you are, I just wanna say this: HAVE FUN because you are going to be in a very bad place if you aren’t careful!!! Just trust me!!! All my love tips are things that I’ve learned from experience! Yes indeed!!