How did Halloween traditions come to be? So let me get this straight… we all take orange vegetables, scoop their insides out, eat their seeds, and put a candle in ‘em. ?!?  Then little kids take pillowcases and demand candy from their neighbors. Sounds more like a cross between the Saw movie series and Candyland. The world’s messed up.

 

Relationships are like milkshakes. Taste good, but always end in a stomach ache.

What do you put in a toaster? Toast? …No,  bread! Actually I have been known to stick toast in my toaster. I’m deeply troubled.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades…. and urinating when drunk.

It’s fun to imagine that the reason for George Washington not smiling on the dollar is due to a previous offensive joke against his false teeth made by the cameraman.

News Flash: George Washington’s death resulted in finally paying cameramen once again, as well as making a law against presidents taking their anger out on the staff. Comm’on, they’re just trying to take a picture.

I still don’t get why people wear those shirts that say “I love haters.” You know, if people didn’t even hate that person in the first place, I’m sure as heck they hate him now. Just go ahead and find that shirt in pink, that way you can still be hated by guys, yet still get sympathy from girls.

While writing this post, I enjoy looking over and seeing all of the categories that my blog’s subject fall into. There are about 8 and the ones that caught my eye were: religious apocalypse, Chef Boyardee, and ninja warrior. Gee, I write about some crazy stuff eh?

Anyways, it really sucks to be looking for jobs as a 15 year old. I made a list of possible things I could apply for or even just ways to make money. I crossed out any that were too unreasonable, but it still came down to becoming a pianist in J.C. Penny’s, invest in stock, babysitting (I did hear about that movie where this one girl babysits some kids and they ended up being satanic worshipers and using her as a sacrifice, but if the pays doubled….we’ll talk), and finally the last job not crossed out was in fact, joining the circus. ( I’m sure almost every one of you got a kick out of that, always telling me I should be in the circus and all. Har har har, so hilarious.)

Love is like popcorn at a movie theatre.   Sometimes you could get it coated with sweet, delicious butter and it could satisfy your soul. Or, you could get it dry without a drop of satisfying butter and it could leave you wanting more.

Whatever, I’m just saying this ’cause you people running the popcorn stands at theatres need to learn how to put a substantial amount of butter on my popcorn. I see where you’re coming from, all trying to save money because of the crashed economy. I get it, I really do. But how much money does the theatre have to pay for a pound of that stuff? A nickel? I’m just saying next time I see a movie, y’all better BUTTER ME UP. Thank you.

It seems like every time I go to a grocery I start to feel really dizzy, almost like I’m going to pass out. The icing on the cake comes when my grandmother told me after I got back from Wal-Mart, “Oh that’s just how all men are, when it comes to shopping.”

……Thanks grandma.

“I think that might be where they keep all the buses in the Summer.”  ”Well what makes you think that?”  ”Oh I don’t know, maybe all the buses.”

” I feel like I am burning to death out here…..Literally.”   “Literally?”

(After prying open his VERY undercooked fortune cookie, my uncle read his fortune aloud) “Your luck will soon change.”  ”Gosh I hope your luck changes, because I don’t think fortune cookies are supposed to that.”

I’m sure many people interested in working out are wondering whether or not to pick P90X or Insanity.

Well, Tony Horton starts every workout with a discussion in almost pitch darkness about the wonders of P90X and sometimes ends up looking into the camera with a deranged look on his face, saying ” I hate it, but i love it.” The look on his face is truly cannibalistic. His piercing eyes, wide grin and all.

On the other hand, Shaun T. starts all his workouts with screaming “LETS GOOOOOOOOOO!” …as if the workouts were insane enough, they go ahead and throw in an insane instructor as well.

So, pick your poison. Intense fits of feeling uncomfortable with a dash of feeling violated through your T.V. , or being yelled at by a psychopath.

Just a little Marvin Gaye or R. Kelly music can really make any situation seem more dirty. But when I heard “Let’s get it on” on a Discovery Channel episode for turtle mating, I thought it was just too much.